Guide to saying goodbye when a foster placement ends

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Introduction
How to prepare a child when a placement is coming to an end
Preparing the child to meet their new family
Saying goodbye
References

Introduction
When children are first placed with foster carers it is often the case that the future is unclear.  The child may be re-integrated with their birth family; placed with kinship carers or permanent foster carers; or a decision may be made that the child’s best interest is adoption.  All these avenues may be explored and it can take many months or even years before the move to permanence or adoption process can begin.  During this time the foster carers’ role is to help the child feel safe; understand, as best they can, what has happened to the child and why they are in foster care; and help the child make sense of their identity.  By doing this, the foster carers are developing a loving relationship with the child; allowing healthy attachments to form; and preparing the child to move on to the next stage of their life, whether it be adoption, kinship care, permanence with another foster care, or a return home.

In Vera Fahlberg’s book, A child’s journey through placement, the author states “planned transitions are less harmful to children than abrupt moves.  Pre-placement visits can be used to minimise the trauma of separation and loss.  When it is impossible to accomplish one or more goals of the pre-placement visits, this aspect will have to be addressed after the move.  In general, it takes more time to correct the harm done by inadequate pre-placement work than to do the work in the first place.”  It follows that careful consideration should be given to how the child is prepared for the move from his foster home, which may be the only stable and loving environment the child has known.

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How to prepare a child when a placement is coming to an end
Although every child in each case is different and will have different circumstances and needs that need to be considered sensitively, the duty of telling a child about his forthcoming move usually falls to the social worker or the foster carers whom the child trusts.  When and how to tell the child is probably best judged by the foster carer in consultation with the social worker, depending on the child’s age and ability to understand what they are being told.  Children younger than six have a limited concept of time, so it is better not to tell them about the change of placement until it is close to the time when it will happen.  If they are told too soon their past experiences of change and abandonment will be evoked and cause them to return to a state of anxiety and trauma.  Although the child requires your complete honesty about what is going to happen, it is important to distinguish between what a child says they want and what they need.  If a child is asked directly what kind of family they would like, they may describe their birth family or an unattainable fantasy family, neither of which would be in their best interest, or they may say that they wish to remain with the current carers, which may not be possible. 

After a match has been found, the foster carer and social worker should discuss with the child the real family they are going to live with.  Well-attuned foster carers will be able to help reduce the child’s anxiety of the future by explaining why they think the child will be happy in their new placement; empathetically listening to the child’s views and help the child express the mixed feelings they have about the move.